Kelle Sparta is a Thought Alchemist and Transformational Shaman who helps women get comfortable in their skin from the boardroom to the bedroom. She supports people in dropping the “shoulds” and stepping fully into the most authentic expression of who they are so that they can finally claim their power and place in the world.

valueQuestioning The Value of Sexual Empowerment

I recently put a post on my Facebook page asking what people would like to know about sexual empowerment and this was a question I received.  My answer was too long for a response in the comments section, so I’m putting it here on my blog.

“Why does that kind of empowerment lead to the underbelly of life experience? Why is there so much crime, violence, greed, and misogyny behind certain types sexual empowerment?”

What a great question!  I love this question for many reasons.  

  1. First, it goes to the heart of our assumptions about sex.
  2. Second because it exposes common misconceptions about empowerment.
  3. Third because it steps into our issues around women and victimization.
  4. And finally, it exposes the fact that the definition of sexual empowerment is generally misunderstood.

(Now you know why my answer was too long for Facebook.)

The Difference Between The Sex Trade and Sexual Empowerment

True sexual empowerment includes the empowerment of all the people involved in the experience.  This means that sex workers who are not there by choice, are not empowered.  If they are not allowed to create their own work environments through choice or union involvement, if they are not in control of who they choose to serve, if they are placed in environments where their health is at risk, then they are not empowered.  If, however, a person decides of their own free will to be a sex worker because it is something that they do well and is their calling in life, and they work in a healthy environment with as many health protections as can reasonably be expected, they are sexually empowered.  It’s not about the sex.  It’s about where the power lies.  If it is within the individual, then there is empowerment.  If the power is being wielded over others, then there isn’t empowerment.

Sex and Victimization Don’t Go Hand in Hand

There is violence and greed in the world.  They exist.  There is also misogyny.  They do tend to come out more often in the arenas surrounding sex, but I will put it to you that this is not because sex breeds these things, but rather because we don’t as a culture provide any protections for the people in these fields, so they are easier targets.  There is also less concern if a sex worker is injured or killed by a predator because they are considered to have “deserved it” in some way.  They are the untouchables of our society.  This doesn’t mean that their industry causes these things, only that they are a magnet to predators because there is less chance of retribution if the predators hunt in those hunting grounds. I used to be a real estate agent many years ago.  I bet you didn’t know this, but one of the things that real estate agents have to be careful of is predators meeting them at houses.  Think about it.  You’re going into an empty house with a stranger.  Talk about easy prey.  And every year real estate agents are raped and murdered by “potential clients”.  It isn’t because real estate inspires violence.  It’s because the circumstances of their job create an easy hunting ground for those who would do damage.

Vulnerability Doesn’t Engender Victimization

There is also an assumption in our culture that those who allow themselves to be vulnerable are weak and more easily victimized.  We actually have a cultural stigma against vulnerability.  We are more of a warrior-type culture in this way than we’d like to admit – refusing to show our vulnerability in favor of beating our chests and looking powerful (as in potentially violent).  But vulnerability has its own strength, especially when engaged from a place of personal power.  A simple act of vulnerability can shake someone to their very core.  And there is no greater vulnerability that being intimate with someone emotionally and sexually at the same time.  This is why it is so feared and so desired.  We are never as fully seen as we are in this space – something most of us greatly desire – and greatly fear.  We fear that if we expose our soft underbelly that it will get skewered.  And there is always the risk that this will happen.  But if we are standing in our power, the pain will be momentary.  And if it doesn’t happen, the rewards are so much bigger than the pain could ever be.  But this is only true if we have done the work to stand fully in our power.  Until then, the pain holds much more sway over us and we miss out on the benefits.

What IS Sexual Empowerment?

And that bring me to our last point in this conversation which is the question of how to define sexual empowerment.  Each time I write a definition, I come back to the heart of the energy of the work.  And each time, it comes from a different perspective, so as you search the site, you may find multiple definitions of sexual empowerment, and that is on purpose.  Sex is a multi-faceted topic as are we as individuals multi-faceted people.  So no one definition will do.  Today, I will define it thusly: Definition of Sexual Empowerment:  The luscious embracing of your physical nature and stripping bare of your self to another person(s) in intimate connection from a place of strength and sharing rather than from a place of fear and dread.

If you’d like to step more fully into your own personal power and bring it into form in your physical (sexual) world, I am available for private coaching sessions

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You Have Within You Two Sides To Yourself:
The Masculine And The Feminine

 (Yes, this is true regardless of your actual gender and it applies to people of any gender.)

The Feminine is your Queen.  The Masculine is your Warrior.

 

 When they are healthy, this is what they look like:

The Masculine

Your Masculine is what you use to interact with the world around you.

Queen

Your Feminine is how you put those interactions into context within you.

The Queen – the steward of your inner world.  She sits in beautiful robes on a throne in the center of your being, sovereign over herself and her emotions.  She is the ruler of her inner world.  Fierce and strong, she looks bravely into the recesses of the darkest corners of her castle and roots out any fears, insecurities, and doubts that may be throwing her off balance.  Her primary motivation is the search for truth and self.

The Warrior – the protector of the Queen from the outer world.  He stands at the gate, watching to be certain that all is well.  He doesn’t go looking for a fight.  He is aware that battle always holds risk and he doesn’t take unnecessary risks with his Queen’s life.  His honor and duty require vigilance, but not paranoia.  He has a healthy respect for his opponents, but does not fear them because he knows that this world is just an illusion and that nothing can truly hurt either him or his Queen.  He will always endeavor to find a path of non-violence out of a situation because he realizes that people only attack when they are afraid or in pain and he doesn’t wish to add to their pain by engaging the battle. But if that path of non-violence is not allowed to him, he will pack away his compassion and engage with an intent and a resolve that will often stop even the most ardent in their tracks.  His primary motivation is commitment to a purpose he can believe in.

 

When they are not healthy, they can look like this:

 

Queen Manipulator The Queen – perfectionist, controller, and manipulator of people’s perceptions of her.  The Queen in this scenario is aware of her dark spaces although she often tries not to look at them.  This is both to keep her out of depression at the state of her inner castle and to avoid others inadvertently seeing behind the façade of confidence and strength that she projects.  Instead of rooting out her insecurities, she spends her time controlling how others perceive her and establishing her value through acts of service in the outside world.  Her high standards make her impossible to please and the only person she is harder on is herself.  She gets her sense of her own sovereignty from how well or how poorly she convinces others of it.  Her belief:  the only way to get people to love her (which she needs because she hasn’t found a way to love herself) is to be better than everyone else so that they need her.
 Angry Soldier Holding Gun The Warrior under constant perceived threat.  Because the Queen is always trying to protect herself from being seen as vulnerable or less than perfect, she feels at risk of being discovered to be a fraud all the time.  This puts her warrior on high alert.  He will make his powerful warrior abilities known to whoever will listen – as an intended deterrent to attack.  He is apt to perceive a threat when none exists and to attack with little provocation out of exhaustion and paranoia.  His belief:  it is better to attack first than to risk being caught off guard.

Or Like This:

 

Damsel In Distress The Damsel In Distress – waiting for the knight to save her.  The Queen has forgotten her sovereignty altogether.  She has left her castle and herself in favor of finding solace in the strong arms of a new defender.  She has done this because her warrior has abandoned her and she no longer feels safe inside the walls of her own castle.  She is out seeking a new defender to bring her home to her castle and protect her once more.  But once out of her castle, she loses her sense of grounding and her sense of self.  She often becomes compliant and malleable, twisting herself into the image of what she thinks her knight will want just for the promise of perceived safety.  Her motto:  safety at any price.If you look back at the role of the Queen as manipulator, you can see that underneath all that control and manipulation is also the very same motto: safety at any price.  This is because the manipulator Queen is also feeling undefended since she is constantly perceiving attacks (whether they are there or not).  So this Queen can hold up her image as this perfection of strength, but under the surface, she begins to feel like (and sometimes act like) the Damsel in Distress.  But she’d never admit that to you.  In fact, she barely likes to admit it to herself.
mysterious warrior The Deserter who has abandoned his Queen.  When the warrior loses too many battles, he loses hope and flees in an attempt to get away from the attacks of those around him.  He initially rationalizes this as a retreat to regroup and re-strategize, and occasionally it is, but sometimes he is so bloody and battle scarred and the cause seems so hopeless that he abandons his charge altogether.  His motto:  enough is enough!

 

These roles can take other forms as well, but most people will find themselves in one of these three descriptions.  Remember that the masculine and the feminine are always you and so in the case of the last description, when you, the Warrior, abandon your Queen, you are abandoning yourself.

 

QueenMaking The Transition Back To Healthy

How do you get from the unhealthy versions of these archetypes to the healthy versions?  Most people think it’s by calling back the warrior.  But this is a harder task than it seems.  The warrior has lost faith in the Queen and so he will no longer serve her.  This means that in order to get out of your dilemma, you have to take on the mantel of the Queen as the steward of your inner world.  You have to admit to yourself that you are the root cause of your problems.  All of those dark spaces, dusty corners, and dank basements in your castle that you haven’t cleaned out and shed light on are creating this version of your reality.  If you don’t look them in the face and deal with them, they will continue to hamstring your life.  When your Queen is once again in her power – she will once again be worthy of being served by her warrior and he will return of his own accord.

 

The HOT TUB

This is a sample article from The HOT TUB Sexual Empowerment Membership Program.  In these articles, we delve more deeply into the subjects that impact your ability to be fully sexually empowered.  

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